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[There are a bunch of emotions running through him. Frustration, hurt-- but he does feel guilt, too.

Still.]

I told him I was coming back, Bernadetta. Nothing came up in our Synchrony that showed he'd have an issue with my web. I had no way of knowing that, if that's what you're saying.

[Ashe takes a step back from Bernadetta. For once, he wants to be selfish. To be angry that this is about sorting out Khalid's feelings.

No-- Ashe knows. He's never come first in anyone's mind. This won't be any different either. He'll have to find it in himself to suck it up.]

Ashe—Ashe—

[She looks up at him, speechless for a moment with all the things she wants and needs to say, and she'll have to apologize later because what falls out of her mouth is—]

...people have been trying to kill him every chance they got since he was just a baby. He doesn't... I'm pretty sure he's never had fifteen minutes in his whole life where he could be totally certain he was safe, and, and it's awful but it's... that's what life carved into him, time and time again. You told him and you meant it and you came back but he didn't believe you. He... he tore his way out like an animal from a trap. He hurt himself, because he was sure you'd left him for dead.

[He hears her. And he understands, but it still hurts. Because he did, clearly, hurt Khalid, and that's not something he'll ever be happy about. His own heart will stay like this, because that's not the point here.

The pavement cracks a little under Ashe.]

...Then I guess. If you don't mind, tell him I apologize.

I'd never hurt him. Not intentionally. But I think he'd believe you before me, easily.

I know, but... Goddess, Ashe, I don't... he hurt you, and you deserve to know why things got tangled and ended up that way and he's been winding himself way too tight with paranoia and shoving people away so they can't hurt him, but—

[She grasps at the air, making a soft, broken sound.]

Ashe, I can count the people he's willingly offered anything to here on one hand. And—you said something to him. That he wasn't at war anymore and I—it's not my place to tell you the whole of it but—Ashe, he left a finished war for a seedbed of new battles, right before ending up here. When he goes back, it will... it will be to people trying to scheme and assassinate and discredit him. Constantly. He's...

[She's got to break out the big guns to get her point across.]

Just a few days ago, he was terrified I was going to leave him for Sylvain, and he loves me. Trust is a slow gain, with him. Faith is...

[She hesitates, searching for a good analogy.]

That Lord that adopted you, he... he had a son, right?

[Another step back. The ground rumbles slightly, but Ashe tries to keep himself contained. His hands go tight, and his jaw clamps down.

He visibly winces at the mention.]

Please... don't talk about Lonato with me.

[Lonato, who decided his dead son was more important than three adopted children. Lonato, who Ashe had to kill with his own hands.]

I get it. He's scared and always-- always thinking, and he doesn't want to trust anyone. Anyone but you. But you can't just--

[Bring that up.]

Sorry. I'm sorry. What do you even want me to do about this? Yes, he hurt my feelings. But apparently, I've done such damage to him that you came out here angry with me.

I'm just—I was trying to offer an example with... no, talking about his son would be cruel to, um...

[She rubs a hand over her face.]

I-It's the web that makes... that makes me u-upset. It's the web and you know why. But... but you don't know why he's the way he is, and, and you both think the most awful things a-about yourselves and then each other, and—on our first date, he thought I was setting an ambush for him because I showed up early.

[Wait. No, refocus, Varley.]

You've both hurt each other and neither of you... actually understood what one another were trying to say. You think he's toying with you, but he's... he's trying, and he second guesses himself, and second-guesses you, and you take it as a rejection, and he takes your reaction to that as a rejection. Am I... am I making sense?

I don't think he's toying with me. That's not what it is.

Neither of you understand, because I haven't said why I'm upset, Bernadetta. I didn't know what was going to happen to him, because I never got any indication it would. And I'm sorry, of course I am! If I could take that part back, I would. But what I said-- I'm not especially sorry about that. All right?

I think I have to go.

Then tell me, please. I don't... all I know is that he finally broke, after winding himself up and up and up about—about a lot of things. And... and I like you, and I don't...

[She scrubs a hand over her face.]

I don't want him hurt. And I don't want you hurt. But it's happened and I... I just want to untangle this. I... I want the truth, not what people think other people think.

[The rumbles become more like a small quake, surrounding their immediate area. He can't help it; he's kept it held back for what feels like too long, unleashing his confusion and frustration privately, but he couldn't stand if it if he lashed out at Bernadetta.

So he looks at her, frustrated and tired, tears in his eyes.]

I'm not anybody important. I'm not. I know that. So when he said he didn't need me, I felt like it meant that he didn't want my friendship. And you said it yourself -- it takes two for that.

He's hurt. And I hate that he is. But it's you that's here right now, not him. If Khalid wants to sort this out, then he should be doing it his damned self! But he won't, he left me behind, because everyone does!

[The pavement's cracks widen, and Ashe rubs at an eye.]

But I'm not-- I'm not even worth that much.

...

[She stands quietly.]

Ashe.

Ashe.

[She reaches, fingers flinching, hand extended in the air between them.]

Ashe you're so important. He's not... needing people is a risk, and he... Goddess, I spent three rounds in a conversation comparing people to his wyvern to justify that risks are okay to take. He's not...

[She has to blink back tears, for both of them.]

Ashe he thinks he got left behind. You said he's good at hurting people and he—that's all he thinks he can do to you. That's something he was worried was true before you said it. Byleth's been trying too, and things came to a head while he did, and—

You're worth that, Ashe. You are, that and... and more, too. He's just... he never learned how to let people in, and, and he's trying now more and more but he's... he backtracks, because he's terrified, always, all the time, no matter... no matter how charming or confident he might seem. You... didn't deserve to get trampled by that back-tracking but... but please. Please believe me. You wouldn't have gotten anywhere near this close, if you weren't important in the first place. He just...

[She hesitates again, hand still out, offer still there. If he doesn't believe her, if he wants to be sure.]

No one person compares to the dream he's committed his life to, not me, or his version of the Professor, or anyone and... and he thought for a long time that if he couldn't open up and give people everything, every ounce of truth, he can't really be their friend. Before Ferdinand came here, he wouldn't believe that his Deer wouldn't despise him, if they knew his real name and full heritage. I'm... I-I can barely believe he's come so far he actually said he had one friend, in his own words. He has... he has a lot more, by my definition.

You're... one of the kindest men I've ever met, you know? You're... you're good, and you try so earnestly, every time, and, and I—I am so jealous of the Bernadetta who gets to call you a comrade, when you... when you leave here, eventually.

Edited 2021-05-21 05:04 (UTC)

[A part of him hears her, desperately wanting to believe.

But all he can think of is him offering his friendship, if he needs him, and Khalid snapping at him: I don't! How quickly he was to decide that Ashe was worth more in sex than he was in friendship, how backwards that feels, like a slap in the face.

A final step back from Ashe.]

It must be wonderful for him to have someone as understanding and patient as you. And... I envy that. But you...

You still came here. Angry. Like I'd... hurt him on purpose. You're here for him, Bernadetta. This isn't about me. It never was. It's about Khalid, as if I was this malicious person that did this on purpose.

If he wanted to be here, he should have been. But he's not, because I'm not worth the risk. I'm so good that I get to be the one standing alone.

[Rocks form between Ashe and Bernadetta, like a metaphorical wall determined to become physical. It's not one that she can't just circle around, but its formation does surprise Ashe, as if he hadn't expected it.

Then he accepts it.]

I'm not asking you to choose between us. I'd never do that. But you came here with a purpose.

I hope you achieved whatever it was.

[And he makes to leave.]

That's—

[The rocks slide up, and she flinches, because... because she sees a door closing, remembers what that's like, remembers being scared for years and years and years about what letting people in could mean, and she... she can't do that. For just a moment, she actually understands Ingrid a little, in the moment she ripped her door off its hinges.

Bernadetta doesn't do that of course, but she's an Amethyst; she doesn't have to take the time to circle around the rocks, either. She flies over it, rabbit quick, and she scrapes her leg on the way over but she's done with flinching. She stumbles a little on the landing, and reaches for him again.]

I'm sorry I was angry, and... and it wasn't fair to you that I was. Neither of you told me about this, and I... I expect things like this, from... from Khalid, and maybe that's an awful thing to say, but I've seen him turtle up and let things like this bottle up until they fester and explode and... and I wasn't surprised that he hid it. But... but I told you things I've, I've never told anyone, and I... a-and you didn't bring it up, either. That you... that you were hurt, that somebody important to me had hurt you., And, and the awful part of me that's still locked herself away at the monastery clawed her way out because, because I've spent years thinking people would do awful things they never actually would and... a-and sometimes it's hard not to let it come back, e-even with the nicest people. Even with people who never would. I treated Caspar that way, even, for months.

[She reaches for him, again, apparently uncaring of the blood welling up from the scrape and trickling down.]

Khalid's not here because he doesn't know I'm here. He was barely in a state to get out of bed, but, I... I kept trying to work out what actually happened, not, not just what he thinks was happening, and the old fear kept creeping back in and I needed... I needed your side because that wasn't fair and I kept... he was tied down while you talked a-and that, Goddess, I can't think straight, thinking about that. I-I'm... I'm sorry.. Please, please, I just... I don't... You both keep deciding how people feel and then running away and he's a lot worse than you are about it but, but you do it too a-and I don't know how to stop you! I don't... I don't know how to make this right, b-because if you talk again... what if you both keep talking past e-each other and make things hurt worse?

[The injured leg is what distracts Ashe and keeps him there, even if all he wants to do is turn his back on this. He shuts his eyes, frustrated.]

I didn't tell you because I didn't... want it to sound like I was just. I don't know, tattling? So I kept it to myself.

[Reaching out and asking for help is not one of Ashe's strong suits.]

Who says we're going to talk again anytime soon? You told me that friendship goes both ways, right? I can't force it on him. And he told me pretty distinctly he didn't want it. There's no real confusion about that.

He's supposed to be the smart one. Maybe he can be the tactician and figure it out if he wants something bad enough.

Please leave me alone right now, Bernadetta. I'm... having a really hard time controlling my emerald when it's like this. And I already hurt you, which is... bad enough.

Then... please, I-I don't... understand. Does that mean you decided it didn't matter?

[She pauses, just before she would have touched him.]

Or that it didn't matter enough to speak up? Even... even though you were hurt? O-Or, or is there some other meaning I'm just, that I'm just not getting?

He's... I know there's a lot he wants, and a lot he thinks he doesn't get to have, and... and when he's not panicking and can actually admit that, I think he does want to be friends.

But when it comes to being smart... smart people can be awful, when it comes to feelings. People aren't a battlemap, or a chessboard, or an equation. They're harder.

You didn't hurt me. I hurt me.

Edited 2021-05-21 15:58 (UTC)

[He still takes a distinct step back, determined to keep his space. But he does give Bernadetta a tired look.]

Because I didn't want to cause anyone any trouble. It mattered, I just-- honestly, if I had any inclination that Khalid was hurt, I would have said something. Instead, I thought it was just me, and... I should just keep it to myself instead of bothering anyone about it. I don't like burdening others, and that's what it felt like at the time. Just another burden.

[He's taken care of other people for almost his entire life. He enjoys it normally, but asking for help or even allowing himself that much? Difficult for a person like Ashe.]

I appreciate you saying that, but... I think at this point, I just need to hear it from him, if he wants to say it.

[Digging into his pocket, he takes out a handkerchief. He hesitates, as if uncertain about crossing the border he's made for himself.

Eventually, he offers it to her.]

For your knee.

You matter too, Ashe. 'Just' you or not, that... that matters. It's... it's not a burden, when people who you care about reach out to you for help or comfort, is it?

[She takes the handkerchief.]

Thank you. It, um... it might take a little while, for him to contact you. He's, uh, probably going to be really mad at me, for a while. But you deserve a proper explanation in his words, and... and an apology, too. Okay? You deserve that.

I... guess not.

[He blinks at that, baffled.]

Mad with you? Why? Because you came to talk to me first?

Yeah. He...

[She goes quiet, for a moment.]

I told you things about him. That's... a big deal. He'll be mad. But... something had to give.

I guess so, but... I don't think that's fair on you at all. Maybe those are the kinds of things that Khalid should have told himself, but it does help with the perspective of why he acted the way he did. And who knows when he would have told me?

[Shaking his head, Ashe continues:]

Please, just know you deserve better than that. Or... at least, I think so.

I think we all deserve a little better than what we get.

[And Goddess, it's taken so long, for her to hit that point. To think she deserved anything at all, failure that she is.]

He's balanced on an edge, right now. And... and hopefully this will nudge him away from the side he's buried himself in for so long, but... it was a risk, and it got taken. And, um. Now I'm going to go and see how it pays off.

...I hope it gets better. For all of us.

[That's a pleasant surprise to hear from her. Enough that, finally, Ashe smiles a little, despite his own feelings.]

Well. If nothing else, I'm glad you realize that.

I know this was hard, and I appreciate you hearing me out. Just don't forget to be kind to yourself, too. I know you have our best interests at heart.

[She smiles back, weakly.]

...I'll cut you a deal. If you can remember to be kind to yourself, then, well, I'll do the same. Or, uh, do my best, at least.

Oh, uh.

[CALLED OUT OOPS]

I-I'll do my best, then. For both of us.

Y-Yeah. Me too.

[There's something intrinsically sad about both of them needing the incentive of somebody else's happiness to pursue their own, but no Empire-born child worth their salt has the time for that sort of thorny introspection, so she tucks the thought away, where all the others go.]

...take care, Ashe. Even... even if I someday disappear back to what's waiting for me, the way other people have, okay?

...Things wouldn't be the same without you either. It's you I've bonded with, Bernadetta. Not any other version of you.

You should know that.

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