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I just wasn't sure. I didn't even know these things were traceable, so I'll play it safe for you.

I kind of wish this was in person. I won't assume to know what you're thinking about that, so I'll leave that as it is.

I didn't know how you'd react to me leaving you in the web. I'm sorry about that. If I'd known, I wouldn't have done that in the first place. I came back not long after and you were gone and I thought you had enough of what I was saying. It didn't even occur to me that I'd done something that would have hurt you like that. I hope you understand.

However, I want to ask: do you feel badly at all about what you said to me before?

I didn't think you'd be comfortable being around me in person and...

Honestly I can talk myself out of some of the worst of my... habitual paranoia a lot easier if I have the time to logic my way through some of it. Which I can't do face to face. No matter how much I might try.

I'm sorry I hurt you. I feel bad for that. I feel bad that I can't be a friend to you. I feel bad that I felt cornered and started snapping at you. I am sorry, even if I don't deserve your forgiveness.

I feel bad that I think in such ugly ways but... I am not sorry for that part. Which... sort of makes your point, doesn't it.

Bernadetta and I had a lot to talk about in terms of assuming how the other person feels. So let's both try to avoid that in the future, I think. That's been our biggest issue. I admit that I've done it with you, thinking that you didn't like me or something.

One of my oldest friends is Yuri. Someone who probably doesn't realize that I'm kind of aware of some of the more unsavory things he does. He thinks in similar ways as you, but I've seen a lot of differences as well of course. But the way you both think is habitual. To survive. I can't really fault you for that when I've done some things I'm not proud of either to get by. So, I get it in some way.

In any case, let me decide if it's worth forgiving you. That's not up to you, not in the least. And you need to decide if you even want to be friends with me. You already know I want that.

Also: please don't hold any of this against Bernadetta. If it wasn't for her, I'm not sure if we'd even be at this point of talking to each other.

That... is probably a good point. One I will try to keep in mind. Figuring people out is... sort of what I do. It's a lot harder when it's emotions involved and not political motivations or agendas. I... will probably need reminders. Not to act on assumptions at least, even if I can't stop thinking that way.

Yuri and I have... a lot of things in common. I think that's maybe part of why I was so upset when you said I was just making excuses (to be fair, I sort of was but Edelgard's war is nothing compared to what my grandfather did to people, what my people do to each other on a daily basis.)

For what it's worth I do want to learn how to let myself have friends and, eventually, I'd like that to include you. People aren't just pieces on a chessboard, I know that... I've just had to be prepared to use them as such at a moment's notice, regardless of how I feel. It's not something that's easy to just.... turn off.

I know she was trying to help and she did, really, but I'm still upset with how she handled it. We've talked about it. We're okay. I just... need a little time.

I don't think it's helped, thinking that way. I thought that maybe you understood me since you're pretty well known for being a tactician, but it doesn't seem to be the case.

Yuri's a lot easier to understand, to be honest. There are people he loves and isn't afraid to say so. People he cares about. He's also harsher, in other ways.

I suppose my last question is this: what did you do or say to Byleth? You mentioned him earlier.

Yuri has put a lot of effort into ensuring he is in a place that he can protect the people he loves. Because of my... heritage. I will never be able to fully guarantee that. No matter where I end up. Mattering to me immediately puts a target on the people I care about.

So I always tried to make sure I didn't.

Byleth asked if I really thought he would betray me or if I would betray him. I told him yes. Because I did. I made plans and promises and lied through my teeth knowing I was going to walk away as soon as the fighting was done. When it came down to my love for him or peace... I chose peace.

I'm glad he has Dimitri. He deserves someone that can throw away the world for him.

You can be really ridiculous. But all right.

I-

.... What?

[Utterly flabbergasted. What the fuck?]

I don't think you're right about His Highness and the Professor at all. I think, in fact, you need to reexamine everything you know about other people. What motivates us. What makes us people. What we love, who we love.

And here, there isn't a war. You should remember that, too.

Good luck with everything, Claude. And maybe there'll be a time you decide that you can let people in more. And just know them as people.

[The reply does, in fact, come a few days later.]

Okay I feel like I made you upset again and I can't figure out what I said to do that.

Making assumptions is part of what got things so messed up in the first place so instead of letting my brain twist it around even more I'm just... going to ask.

What did I do to make you upset?

[Oh. Well, this is a pleasant surprise.]

Please let me say first that I'm actually really glad you're reaching out to get clarification. I wish I could emphasize that better over text, but please know I'm smiling. I'm really proud of you.

In any case, I was upset about a couple of things, but mostly your assertion about His Highness and the Professor just felt wrong to me. It's why I said you need to know others as people. That is, if you want to get closer to them. Quick assumptions might help for strategies, but if you want to befriend other people that's going to be a big mess, as we've both experienced.

I was also kind of upset by your first letter. I think I understand what you were trying to say, but it felt like you were looking for a way to not apologize. That's why I asked if you actually felt bad about any of it. I more or less get it now, but I was mad initially about that.

[A little time curled up on Ferdinand is a miracle for emotional regulation, imagine that.]

I think maybe that's also a little bit of timelines confusing things. It was less Byleth and more... well... I think the people from my timeline have seen sort of the furthest extreme of where his Kingliness can go with his determination. In the worst possible way and I'm so glad he's not there anymore, not here at least. But it's... a bit of a different perspective?

Which isn't fair to our Dimitri, you're right. One more thing to add to the list.

I didn't think it was fair to ask your forgiveness when I had hurt you like that. That's why I didn't (and still don't) feel like I could apologize. It doesn't mean anything if it's only words and not actions.

That's something I should keep in better mind. I can only imagine what he would have done if we didn't stick by him. More importantly, if the Professor wasn't there with him. The Professor is the kind of person who can bring out the best in people, despite all odds.

His Highness had a lot to work through. He still does, I think, but he has a chance to heal more here even if this place can muddle things up. Still, he is the kind of man who wants to do well by others. Those who need protection, those who need help. If not for him and the Professor, I'd always wondered if I'd have been at Ailell along with Sir Gwendal. What a mess that would have been, I bet.

Anyway. I understand what you're saying, but I still would have appreciated it at the time. However, I also won't rush you. This should be at your pace, and I can meet you there with that.

Everyone keeps talking about taking some time to heal here. It's hard not to focus on the "what if"s though. Is it really worth it if it's just going to get you killed when we inevitably go home?

You being at Ailell with Gwendal was definitely a mess. I'm just glad you listened to Teach.

Thank you.

If you think the worst about those "what ifs", then you aren't going to find the things worth celebrating. Most of us have been through the worst of it. Why not build something good out of it? There's no war here. We can make the best out of that.

I suppose if I were to listen to anyone, it would've been the Professor.

Edited 2021-05-25 20:42 (UTC)

That's.... a very optimistic outlook.

[That's it. That's all he can bring himself to say. Like... the very idea goes against everything he is.]

If you go looking for nothing but darkest shadows, you're never going to find the sun. All I had once was focusing on the things I could do. The things I could get through to survive, and think about what made me happy.

It's hard. I know it is. But if I didn't, I'd... well, I'd probably be no better than any bandit we've ever killed.

There have been a lot of times where planning for the absolute worst case scenario is the only reason I made it through something alive... it's really hard not to plan for the worst, even if I do hope things come out better than that.

I'm not saying don't be prepared. I'm saying that you can also look forward to certain things. Bernadetta's smile, a good meal, tea with a friend. Even just simple things like that can be enough to keep someone going.

I guess I'm just used to having so many things to do and plan for there's never really been time to dwell on little things like that.

And how much planning do you really need to do here?

I don't know if you want that answer and it's not one I'm giving over the net, even on a locked message.

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