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[A part of him hears her, desperately wanting to believe.

But all he can think of is him offering his friendship, if he needs him, and Khalid snapping at him: I don't! How quickly he was to decide that Ashe was worth more in sex than he was in friendship, how backwards that feels, like a slap in the face.

A final step back from Ashe.]

It must be wonderful for him to have someone as understanding and patient as you. And... I envy that. But you...

You still came here. Angry. Like I'd... hurt him on purpose. You're here for him, Bernadetta. This isn't about me. It never was. It's about Khalid, as if I was this malicious person that did this on purpose.

If he wanted to be here, he should have been. But he's not, because I'm not worth the risk. I'm so good that I get to be the one standing alone.

[Rocks form between Ashe and Bernadetta, like a metaphorical wall determined to become physical. It's not one that she can't just circle around, but its formation does surprise Ashe, as if he hadn't expected it.

Then he accepts it.]

I'm not asking you to choose between us. I'd never do that. But you came here with a purpose.

I hope you achieved whatever it was.

[And he makes to leave.]

That's—

[The rocks slide up, and she flinches, because... because she sees a door closing, remembers what that's like, remembers being scared for years and years and years about what letting people in could mean, and she... she can't do that. For just a moment, she actually understands Ingrid a little, in the moment she ripped her door off its hinges.

Bernadetta doesn't do that of course, but she's an Amethyst; she doesn't have to take the time to circle around the rocks, either. She flies over it, rabbit quick, and she scrapes her leg on the way over but she's done with flinching. She stumbles a little on the landing, and reaches for him again.]

I'm sorry I was angry, and... and it wasn't fair to you that I was. Neither of you told me about this, and I... I expect things like this, from... from Khalid, and maybe that's an awful thing to say, but I've seen him turtle up and let things like this bottle up until they fester and explode and... and I wasn't surprised that he hid it. But... but I told you things I've, I've never told anyone, and I... a-and you didn't bring it up, either. That you... that you were hurt, that somebody important to me had hurt you., And, and the awful part of me that's still locked herself away at the monastery clawed her way out because, because I've spent years thinking people would do awful things they never actually would and... a-and sometimes it's hard not to let it come back, e-even with the nicest people. Even with people who never would. I treated Caspar that way, even, for months.

[She reaches for him, again, apparently uncaring of the blood welling up from the scrape and trickling down.]

Khalid's not here because he doesn't know I'm here. He was barely in a state to get out of bed, but, I... I kept trying to work out what actually happened, not, not just what he thinks was happening, and the old fear kept creeping back in and I needed... I needed your side because that wasn't fair and I kept... he was tied down while you talked a-and that, Goddess, I can't think straight, thinking about that. I-I'm... I'm sorry.. Please, please, I just... I don't... You both keep deciding how people feel and then running away and he's a lot worse than you are about it but, but you do it too a-and I don't know how to stop you! I don't... I don't know how to make this right, b-because if you talk again... what if you both keep talking past e-each other and make things hurt worse?

[The injured leg is what distracts Ashe and keeps him there, even if all he wants to do is turn his back on this. He shuts his eyes, frustrated.]

I didn't tell you because I didn't... want it to sound like I was just. I don't know, tattling? So I kept it to myself.

[Reaching out and asking for help is not one of Ashe's strong suits.]

Who says we're going to talk again anytime soon? You told me that friendship goes both ways, right? I can't force it on him. And he told me pretty distinctly he didn't want it. There's no real confusion about that.

He's supposed to be the smart one. Maybe he can be the tactician and figure it out if he wants something bad enough.

Please leave me alone right now, Bernadetta. I'm... having a really hard time controlling my emerald when it's like this. And I already hurt you, which is... bad enough.

Then... please, I-I don't... understand. Does that mean you decided it didn't matter?

[She pauses, just before she would have touched him.]

Or that it didn't matter enough to speak up? Even... even though you were hurt? O-Or, or is there some other meaning I'm just, that I'm just not getting?

He's... I know there's a lot he wants, and a lot he thinks he doesn't get to have, and... and when he's not panicking and can actually admit that, I think he does want to be friends.

But when it comes to being smart... smart people can be awful, when it comes to feelings. People aren't a battlemap, or a chessboard, or an equation. They're harder.

You didn't hurt me. I hurt me.

Edited 2021-05-21 15:58 (UTC)

[He still takes a distinct step back, determined to keep his space. But he does give Bernadetta a tired look.]

Because I didn't want to cause anyone any trouble. It mattered, I just-- honestly, if I had any inclination that Khalid was hurt, I would have said something. Instead, I thought it was just me, and... I should just keep it to myself instead of bothering anyone about it. I don't like burdening others, and that's what it felt like at the time. Just another burden.

[He's taken care of other people for almost his entire life. He enjoys it normally, but asking for help or even allowing himself that much? Difficult for a person like Ashe.]

I appreciate you saying that, but... I think at this point, I just need to hear it from him, if he wants to say it.

[Digging into his pocket, he takes out a handkerchief. He hesitates, as if uncertain about crossing the border he's made for himself.

Eventually, he offers it to her.]

For your knee.

You matter too, Ashe. 'Just' you or not, that... that matters. It's... it's not a burden, when people who you care about reach out to you for help or comfort, is it?

[She takes the handkerchief.]

Thank you. It, um... it might take a little while, for him to contact you. He's, uh, probably going to be really mad at me, for a while. But you deserve a proper explanation in his words, and... and an apology, too. Okay? You deserve that.

I... guess not.

[He blinks at that, baffled.]

Mad with you? Why? Because you came to talk to me first?

Yeah. He...

[She goes quiet, for a moment.]

I told you things about him. That's... a big deal. He'll be mad. But... something had to give.

I guess so, but... I don't think that's fair on you at all. Maybe those are the kinds of things that Khalid should have told himself, but it does help with the perspective of why he acted the way he did. And who knows when he would have told me?

[Shaking his head, Ashe continues:]

Please, just know you deserve better than that. Or... at least, I think so.

I think we all deserve a little better than what we get.

[And Goddess, it's taken so long, for her to hit that point. To think she deserved anything at all, failure that she is.]

He's balanced on an edge, right now. And... and hopefully this will nudge him away from the side he's buried himself in for so long, but... it was a risk, and it got taken. And, um. Now I'm going to go and see how it pays off.

...I hope it gets better. For all of us.

[That's a pleasant surprise to hear from her. Enough that, finally, Ashe smiles a little, despite his own feelings.]

Well. If nothing else, I'm glad you realize that.

I know this was hard, and I appreciate you hearing me out. Just don't forget to be kind to yourself, too. I know you have our best interests at heart.

[She smiles back, weakly.]

...I'll cut you a deal. If you can remember to be kind to yourself, then, well, I'll do the same. Or, uh, do my best, at least.

Oh, uh.

[CALLED OUT OOPS]

I-I'll do my best, then. For both of us.

Y-Yeah. Me too.

[There's something intrinsically sad about both of them needing the incentive of somebody else's happiness to pursue their own, but no Empire-born child worth their salt has the time for that sort of thorny introspection, so she tucks the thought away, where all the others go.]

...take care, Ashe. Even... even if I someday disappear back to what's waiting for me, the way other people have, okay?

...Things wouldn't be the same without you either. It's you I've bonded with, Bernadetta. Not any other version of you.

You should know that.

I know.

[She tries so hard, to make that distinction for everyone. To minimize the hurt and pain that will come, when they go back to their lands with same-faced, same-named, same-hearted friends who have never set foot in Noctium.]

I'm, well, it's a little sad to think none of you will visit me, when I'm... back. But maybe Dimitri will. ...I think he will, if, uh, if anyone... knows where I ended up, when the smoke cleared. He's kind like that.

He is, despite what he says about himself.

I don't regret all that we've experienced together, you know. Not here, even when it's hard. I've really adored our time together. And I hope we continue to have it, for as long as possible.

Me too. ...thank you for coming, Ashe. I'm... I said it a few times, but I'm sorry I lost it. Being with you makes me really happy, and it's... it's comfortable. It was as scary as it was wrong, to get paranoid over it.

It's all right. I'm... sure it hit very close to home with you.

Call me if you need anything else. Please. And... I'll, um. Try to remember to do the same.

Honestly, this place... it feels a lot more like 'home' than the manor did, for... ages, honestly.

Yes, I will. It's a promise.

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